So, one could only imagine my delight to find a church with similar beliefs but wanted their youth to participate; to thrive and grow...it was there that I met him.
My heart took a leap when I first saw him. Head and face cleanly shaved, saved for a small patch under his mouth; and those blue eyes! He in my mind was a gorgeous man! How old is he? I wondered. He looked as if he could have been in college. Not a wrinkle in his clothing. His eyes bore into mine. Quickly, I ducked my head, shyly and sat down a few seats down from the very back. As the service started, I glanced up to see that he had seated himself from the EXACT opposite isle.
For the following weeks this continued. I'd sit down; he would always be right across. Once, I even had tried switching seats, moving up a few. He did the same. This is crazy, I thought grimly. On one hand I'm almost pleased but then should I be worried about his stalkerlike behavior? He kept staring at me all the time.
I was walking home from one morning service. I hear a vehicle approach me from behind. I turned to hear a gentle voice ask, "would you like a ride?"
"Sure," I agreed.
Except exchanging a few pleasantries and giving him my address, we didn't talk. I had my hand on the door handle the whole time. My body tense to flee if it turned into a bad situation. Being sexually assaulted by two different individuals when I was a child made me very apprehensive about the opposite sex. In retrospect now, I should have been more careful. But God was with me, and this man had no ill intent towards me.
Later I invited the man to my graduation party. I found that he was ten years my senior. Weeks past, we became friends. Months past, we became in love. On my eighteenth birthday, we kissed for the first time; and that evening he proposed. I accepted. A year later a few weeks before my nineteenth birthday we married. Six months later, he got laid off. We lived on my savings meant for my schooling until the unemployment came through. Right before it ran out I found myself pregnant...and that is when our marriage was Spiritually attacked. That is when my husband started slipping from his beliefs, from God, from me...
About six months into my pregnancy, one morning he mentioned to me that he had looked up the night before, half naked women online. I was stunned. The man who always was embarrassed, and apologize if he so much as glanced at another female. The one who was more hard on himself, while I was ready to forgive. I was reeling from the shock when he said he felt sorry it hurt my feelings, but "I don't think it was wrong."
As the pregnancy wore on, I noticed he was evasive on any conversation having to do with our faith. It was not allowed to be discussed. I knew he was changing, but was I imagining it?
We ran out of unemployment. Two years he had not been able to find any work. We had moved to a cheaper home, and then the unemployment ran out. Government was turning off all benefits. We could no longer wait on them to turn it back on. We would be evicted. We would starve.
I cried to my mother. One month away from delivery and we were BROKE. She had no idea. Father and mother took us in. We put most of our belongings in storage with what money we had, and moved into a small room at my parents house.
A month later, I gave birth to my beautiful babydoll. She was (IS!) perfect. Deep russet skin, piercing blue eyes just like her daddy, and a button nose like her momma. I was scared about how we would take care of her with little to no money, but was thankful my parents took us in. I knew God would provide for us. He always has, whether hubby wanted to admit it or not.Six months thereafter, hubby found work through a temp service. I found work through a temp service. His work became more permanent. I was able to come back home to baby. After a hundred and eighty days of working through the temp hubby was hired on and we were finally able to move out. PRAISE GOD!
After church one morning, I decided I had it. I cornered him and asked him straight out if he still was a believer. I just wanted to know I wasn't going crazy. After an hour of tears and pleading he finally relented. He no longer believed Jesus is the Son of God. He didn't want to rule out there was a God in general, but wasn't convinced that our God was it.
A few months ago, I received a text stating that the trial to look at photos for "hot ladies" was up and we would start being charged for it. I asked him about it. He denied it. He has never verbally lied to me. It could have been babydoll randomly pushing numbers. However, it did spark another question for him. "Have you been looking up such on our phone at all?" I asked. He didn't want to answer. I knew he was busted.
"I have...," he slowly admitted. "I don't think it was wrong, but I am sorry it hurts you."
"When did you do this?" I demanded.
"After we moved out of your parents a few months ago I did. I thought about doing it last night, but decided not to."
"As bad as I hate to," I was crying," taking God out of it, I have enough respect and love for you that I have never been interested in such a thing. I love you! You know how many times I could have done this to you out of spite?!"
"I wouldn't care," he blew me off.
"I don't believe that," I muttered.
Then he later brought up religion; attacking my faith. "Did you know before Christ even died on the cross, before the Romans came to be, pagan nations used it as a symbol to worship something? Do you know what they used it worship?"
"No."
"They used the cross to worship the sun."
I smiled, "yes, AND JESUS IS THE SON OF GOD!"
At that point he pretty much dropped the conversation.
Since then, we have this past month, moved into a new home. Sick of fighting God, I have decided to fight for my marriage, fight for my family; fight for my husband. For months, God has been hounding me to win my husband to him with "submitting in all things (moral)."
How dare you concern yourself with what he does? I felt Him telling me. He is sinning against Me, not you! You worry about what you are supposed to do. Get your home in order! Respect him! Speak in soft tones. Apologize and do not become so defensive. Do not draw attention to what you do around the home for his approval. I see you! I will work on you. I will work on him. Pray for him. Pray for mercy on his behalf!
This past couple of weeks as I continue working on my own relationship with God and obeying his directions I am already seeing quite a backlash. I apologize; hubby gets angry. I speak in soft tones; he becomes more short. I make meek, quiet requests, his replies are harsh. Do not make demands any more. Ask him for your desires. Once given an answer, let it go.
The fact I plead with him and ask him to quit yelling at me and he apologizes but then does it again not long thereafter, tells me that everything is starting to accelerate. I softly answer his anger. He becomes more angry. I will continue to pray, continue to submit, and continue to get my home in order.
My home in order. That is a barrier I will have to work on. I am notorious for being a little of a pack-rat, forgetful, having bad time management, and not keeping up with our budget as I should. I spend more than I should as well. You have enough clothes, jewelry, perfumes, home decor...you need nothing! Start being more responsible with your husbands hard won earnings. You need to be more trust worthy with his finances.
So with a Bible, agenda book, journal, and cash ledger in hand, I have some work to do. Blessings to all, I have a lot cut out for me...but with God ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!
